This is a public service announcement for the sake of the wellbeing of all who set foot upon my threshold. No excuses: you have been warned…
1. I hope you like colourful plastic because it’s everywhere. I have a few tasteful wooden toys but I’ve surrendered my house to the primary coloured plastic takeover. It’s easier when you don’t fight it (mantra for motherhood in general).
2. Watch out for the baked bean juice on the floor. And the oaty crumbs down the sofa. And the broccoli on the dining chair. I could go on, so maybe just look for food scraps before stepping or sitting anywhere. Or, better, just assume there will be food scraps and don’t wear anything too nice…I won’t be.
3. Yes, that is cat poo in the downstairs toilet. Yes, the hairdryer’s living in the kitchen right now. No, I don’t know how long that rice cake has been stuck to my phonecase. Yes, those wet paw prints consist of cat pee. No, I haven’t remembered to brush my teeth. Any other questions?!
4. Don’t touch the rug. Just don’t. I’d like to say it’s a long story but it’s not; it’s a short and gross story.
5. Avert your eyes from the clothes airer – ugly nursing bras and enormous knickers will be there in force and you can’t unsee that.
6. For the love of god, don’t walk into the kitchen without bracing yourself. Consider the horror of the main living space then multiply that by the fact that the kitchen is further away, has a door, and is where the bin lives. Say no more.
I hope this brief list of warnings is helpful to anyone brave enough to enter my home. I’d like to say it will be better when the baby’s older or when the cats are dead but let’s face it: the baby’s only going to get messier and the cats are still depressingly young. Sorry, and good luck to all. You are honestly extremely welcome, but as the saying goes, take us as you find us – and you will find us covered in food and animal hair…at best. For the sake of full disclosure I should add that sometimes I forget to apply deodorant. See you soon guys!!!